Dwarf Throwing

   Imagine this for a second. You hire a venue in the centre of a reasonably sized town/ small city. This venue must be licensed. Two weeks prior to you big date you start plastering the locality with poster, leaflets, press coverage etc pushing your big forthcoming night. The night has two selling points:

• Discounted Bar.
• Dwarf Throwing.

   Now I don't know if there is a dwarf throwing troupe already in the UK but I'm sure you could get a posse together.

Outgoings:

• Bar Staff
• Promo materials
• Dwarf hire
• Hall hire
• Outside Bar hire
• Booze costs
• DJ

Income:

• Door charge
• Beer sales

Now say the outgoings come to £2000 and your average spend per person (door charge and Beer sales) comes to £15, that means you'd need 133 people through the door to break even. I reckon in any reasonable sized town you'd get 200 young bucks in.

   Take the show on tour and suddenly your the Biggest Midget Entrepreneur in the country.

I bet Goth's would buy shit like this..........

Vampires Beware!


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Sold in the 19th century, Vampire Killing Kits contain the items considered necessary fir the protection of persons who traveled into the countries of Eastern Europe, where the populace was reportedly plagued with a peculiar manifestation of evil known as Vampires.





What’s Inside Your Typical 19th Century Vampire Killing Kit?

A pistol with accoutrements

Silver bullets

Cross

Wooden Stake

Professor Bloomberg’s new serum

Garlic powder and other concoctions

Did You Know?

Ripley’s owns one of the world’s largest collection of Vampire Killing Kits. No two kits are exactly alike!

Follow me on Twitter @rosstaylor1979

 

 I've been using Twitter to publish some of my own jokes plus retweet some of the best stuff I read elsewhere. Once I get to 1000 I plan to self publish them on Twitter and send a copy of to the guys at BBC Scotland Comedy Unit.

More logic

  Here are some more ideas I'd put into place if I was a Bachelor-Money-Making-Machine living the logical lifestyle:

• Unless you are running an "Eddie Stobart-Style" business which has a USP of running clean lorries, then never wash your car. Leaving it dirty actually protects the paintwork. Ask any old Farmer the trick to a vehicle's long life and they'll say it is due to it being caked in mud for the last 35 years.
• Wash your downstairs windows with vinegar and brown paper. A bottle of white vinegar will cost 39p out of Tesco and will last your for years. Decant it into a spray bottle (some member of your family will be throwing one out). Use the free newspaper that is distributed in all towns. Leave your upstairs window to get dirty.
• Drink tap water. One of the most illogical things I do is spend £2 every couple of days on Cola and Irn Bru. I must have spend £5,000 to £10,000 on fizzy juice in my lifetime. It makes you fat, is full of calories and bad chemicals and rots your teeth. It also makes your body hungry so you end up spending more money on extra food. By switching to water you can avoid all these negatives. It is the logical thing to do.
• I can't see a way of owning a property and avoiding Buildings insurance. The most logical thing to do would be to shop around for the cheapest - then max up your excess level in order to bring your premium down. Pay the yearly amount and shop around again next year.
• Same applies for contents, except for the fact that if you are going to go hardcore and fly super minimalist, Contents insurance might actually be superfluous.
• Using a Washing lines and Clothes horse as opposed to a Tumble driver is an obvious one.
• Nick cutlery from work, cafes and restaurants.
• Get yourself a water butt. If hot water isn't required then you could be able to use it for household needs. Obviously the water butt should cover you for all gardening water requirements.
• When using the hob, always cover your pans. Stuff will cook much faster.
• Holidays are for the Japanese - a change is as good as a rest.
• Smoking is an absolute and utter no-no. There can be no bigger waste of money on the planet.

Life of Logic

   If you are making money through dribbles then you also want to make sure that you are not wasting money in your household. You want to make sure that not too much of the money flowing into your wallet is not draining out through the plughole. Here are some of the things going through my mind:

• Live as close to your main place of work as possible in order to keep commuting costs down.
• Walk to work if you can.
• Use a Carpet sweeper rather than a hoover.
• Wash your clothes in the sink with soap flakes.
• Take Navy showers.
• Ditch the TV - biggest waste of time going. Everything worth watching is now available on the net.
• Ditch the fridge. Buy fresh.
• Go with wood fuelled hot water.
• Ditch the home phone. Give out your mobile number.
• Get a PAYG mobile.
• Wear a bib when you eat - half of my washing is down to food stains.
• If you can get away with it, wear clothes that don't crease - jumpers, track suits, overalls.
• If you need a vehicle, opt for LPG.
• Wage war on Electric lighting. Are candles cheaper for reading in the winter.
• Get a brick in your cistern.
• If it's brown flush it down. If it's yellow let it mellow.
• Use a dedicated sponge or rags to wipe your arse. If that is taking things a bit too far then nick bog roll from work.
• Nick paper, pens and all stationery requirements from work/ the Bookies/ Argos.
• Don't bother with carpets or wallpaper - they're for posh folks.
• Rent out any space you can. Spare room, settee, floor space. There are some real desperados out there.
• You are your own gym. Anyone who pays £40 for a gym membership needs psychological help.
• 15 mins housework per day is enough for any household.
• Make sure every inch of garden space is getting used productively: Shed storage, green house, raised beds etc.
• Never leave the clock running on a DVD player/ Cooker/ Microwave/ Alarm etc. They are all burning Electricity for no apparent reason.
• Don't bother with alarm clock at all - use your mobile and charge that up at work.
• Go for a Clockwork radio.
• Get your council tax single person allowance sorted.
• Eat raw where possible.
• Go double duvet in the winter.
• Soap is just as good as shampoo and shower gel.
• Don't drink tea or coffee.

   Obviously the majority of these are set up for Single men. Bang! I've just knocked your monthly Utility bill in half - at least.

Book Idea - Road to Gold

 

 Here's a book I would buy if it was available - "The Route To Gold".

A whatever-number point plan to gold at Olympics/ Commonwealth Games. Based on the "10,000 Hour Rule", these books would you give you an idea of the stage of development you'd have to be at if you planned to win an Olympics/ Commonwealth Gold at the next games.

   Take the example of if you wanted to be in amongst the medals at the next Olympic games in the First Heavyweight (91 to 100KG). Back in 2000, lifting 180kg in the snatch would've been enough to get Bronze. The book would work along the lines of:

August 1996: Watch the Videos of the 1996 games to learn the nuances of the winners technique.
September 1996: Join your local association.
October 1996: You should be putting X hours per week into practice.
November 1996: By this stage you should be able to lift X kg's.

   Obviously you would have to write something like this alongside a real expert in the field - but I think a book such as this could get niche sales. You could do one for each discipline in the games.

Lead Sales

   Ok - so you've got a little leaflet business on the go and you also buy BMV property (see older posts). If you're worth your salt then you are going to be getting your delivery guys to pop your lead generation leaflets in alongside the paid stuff.

   Another dribble to add to my previous list would be to sell unwanted to leads to the Pro outfits up and down the country.